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I shook his hand and catapulted out of there, pointedly not saying, “It was lovely meeting you.” An hour after our deadly dull date, he sent me a text with a vulgar sexual suggestion. I tried tongue-in-cheek next, which led to pizza with the Sniffly Librarian. During our hour-long cappuccinos, Ad Guy emptied the contents of his Dockers pockets and gave me a detailed commentary on everything he carried: screwdriver, tissues, pocket knife, measuring tape, Purell, Band-Aids, wrench set, hammer, magnifying glass, eyeglass repair kit, two HMV gift cards, a poem to his mother, fire starter, antiseptic wipes, allergy pills, pen, notepad, Starbucks gift cards, family photos, TTC tokens, elastics . While I appreciate family bonds, reciting maternal verse was not the way to win me over. I know there are success stories out there, but it’s not in the cards for me.

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It hadn’t occurred to me to say: “I’m glad you like kayaking, mushroom pizza and the Band, but do you happen to hate Jews? There was a little basket on the table, filled with those little plastic creamers. And then there was the Comedian who forewarned me that no sex by the third date was a deal breaker.

” My date with the Logistics Manager wasn’t memorable for what happened during the 25-minute coffee interlude, which had stretches of awkward silence, but for what happened afterwards. This dude peeled the creamers open one by one and drank them. And I can’t forget the Software Developer who had three large bottles of mouthwash in his car, one in the console and two others in the front door pockets. There’s no good explanation for having that much oral rinse in the front of your car. As you can see, the headaches and frustrations begin long before going on an actual date. We did the usual coffee thing, which by that time already seemed like more effort than it was worth. As he displayed each item, he’d say something like: “This comes in handy,” or “You never know when you might need these.” At the end of the “inventory,” he read me the poem he had written for his mother.

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